I just realised it’s been over a month since my last blog post. How the hell did time pass me by so quickly? I have been so busy this month, not with interesting projects I’m working on but, with tedious tasks that required my full attention. Ironicley, I’ve also had the worst insomnia of my life when in my last post I was so light hearted about the whole affair. Anyway I just wanted to thank you for your patience and I wanted to to make it clear I’m not being lazy, I’m just so busy. As much as I enjoy this blog it’s still having to come second to many other things. Hopefully that will change. By the end of this month or hopefully early next month I will be less busy and this blog will return to it’s flourishing self.
Frankly this is a touchy subject for me right now. It’s 4:00am and despite several hours of trying to reach the Land Of Nod I’m still wide awake. I get this every so often and I know exactly why. It’s the culmination of living a sedentary lifestyle and spending most of my time sitting in front of a computer screen whilst eating ready meal lasagne. However, I can’t possible accept the fact this is all self inflicted and could easily be cured with a more productive lifestyle so I insist on insisting that I’m an insomniac. No doubt this irks genuine insomniacs, I know it does me. (See what I did there?)
That's not me by the way. My guns are way bigger.
Anyway my point is that my “insomnia” has made me realise another Awesome thing in life. Getting into a freshly made bed, preferably nice and tired. You crawl in and feel the soft, clean, sheets kiss your skin as you rest your weary head upon a cool pillow. At this point you have reached nirvana and will soon be on your way to the fair land of Nod.
When I become a disgustingly rich billionaire playboy writer, who in his spare time plays in a chart topping rock band,one of the first things I’ll do is hire a legion of French lingerie models to change and make my bed each day.
That’s right folks, it’s been one whole year since I decided to set up this dirty corner of the internet where I could dump my rantings. Some of you are probably quite new to this blog, others will have been here since the beginning (mum). To all of you extend my gratitude and love. I hope you’ve enjoyed the past year and I hope you enjoy what’s still to come.
“Well no shit!” I hear you cry. “What next, famine? At what point did you become Mr state the fucking obvious?”
Wow, wow, wow, ladies and gentlemen please hear, well read me out. Of course before today I regarded misogynists to be on the same level as racists and homophobes. I assumed that’s how most forward thinking people regarded them and I thought there wasn’t much more to add to the debate. However last night I experienced it first hand and my ire has been incurred so lets have this out right now.
After a pleasant evening out with friends I was unexpectedly forced to phone for a cab home because my lady friend had accidental locked her keys in her car. I didn’t think much of this, after all she’s been driving for years and has never once been in an accident, been caught speeding or killed a child who had a whole life to lead. Of all the mistakes you could make when driving, locking your keys in your car, seemed pretty minor. The cab arrived and we got in. The reason we’d got a cab came up at the start of the journey and we were then treated to half an hour of bullshit from the biggest moron I’ve ever met in my life. He banged on (in front of my lady friend) about how women are terrible drivers. Usually I would have let this slide as I’m not the most macho man in the world and entering into an argument with the person driving you home isn’t usually wise. However the fact there was a lady present in the car quelled the calm, easy going side of me and brought out the enraged righter of wrongs and defender of justice. As I seethed in my seat the driver continued on to talk about how he often races at night with friends (how the fuck he got any of them I’ll never know) which only helped fuel the fire of my fury.
Just as steam started to blow out me ears he informed me, and I swear to God I’m quoting here:
“The only reason women win races is that they’re lighter than men”.
Nothing to do with what type of fucking engine you’ve got then! Does he think we all drive cars from The Flintstones! I knew if I bit my tongue any more I was likely to bite right through it so I informed him, and I quote again:
“I’ve never heard so much shit in my life”
“Oh really?” he retorted “And what makes you say that?”
“I think there are good drivers and bad drivers and what gender they are has nothing to do with it”
He replied, and again I swear to Dawkins (you know how much I like him) I’m not making this up.
“Well I think I’d know seeing as how I’ve driven a million miles”.
“Oh really? Well you must be drowning in pussy these days”
I didn’t say that last bit. I was so angry by this point my mind was too clouded to access the razor sharp wit I display on this blog. I did however tell him about the time my dad had managed to total a car not six months ago. Not as witty but more relevant I suppose. Anyway he delivered us home and I paid exactly what was owed without tip.
I think perhaps I was not only angry but a little shocked. Of course I know that discrimination exists but I had assumed that in a western country in the 21st century men and women were pretty much even. Of course both genders like to have a bitch about the other from time to time but when it really came down to it I thought we both had respect for one another. Maybe I’m being too naive or maybe I’m being too sensitive. Perhaps this man was part of a small percentage of ignorant fucks who are swiftly dying out. I hope so. Anyway that’s my rant over. All I can say now is goodnight and (if you live in the UK) never get a taxi from A Line Taxi’s. Walk if you must, I promise it’s better than risking a ride with that twat.
That’s right folks. Someone other than myself has published something I wrote. Now when old friends I haven’t seen in a while ask me what I’m up to I can finally say “Writing!” as opposed to “Fuck all!”.
The article was for a website called Nintendo Enthusiast. To be honest I didn’t think I was up to the task seeing as how I’ve not played a Nintendo game in about ten years. But lucky for me there’s a humour section and as I’m sure you’ll testify, I am HILARIOUS . Anyway you can read the article here.
I’ve been getting some great feedback such as:
Posted March 26, 2012 at 2:13 AM
What a shitty list, the author is a fucking retard.
Has the world gone fucking mad? Is this the beginning of the 2012 apocalypse?
For those who don’t know a journalist did some research on Richard Dawkins family history (why?). Anyway he found out that Richard Dawkins great great great great great grandfather owned a sugar plantation in Jamaica along with over a thousand slaves. The journalist, Adam Lusher who writes for the Daily Telegraph, spoke to Dawkins over the phone and asked if Dawkins felt any guilt, to which Dawkins replied along the lines of “No I wasn’t fucking born” (I’m paraphrasing). The conversation then ended.
The journalist then phoned back moments later to ask Dawkins if he thinks he may have inherited a gene for supporting slavery. Dawkins replied:
“You obviously need a genetics lesson,” I replied. Henry Dawkins was my great great great great great grandfather, so approximately one in 128 of my genes are inherited from him (that’s the correct figure; in the heat of the moment on the phone, I got it wrong by a couple of powers of two).
The journalist then suggested that Dawkins pay reparations. The journalist thought that Dawkins ancestor probably used the money earned from his slavery business to purchase the “estate” the Dawkins still own. However Dawkins replied that his family only own a small fraction of it and that it’s no more than a small farm that’s worth peanuts. Dawkins went on to say that most of the Dawkins wealth was pissed away (paraphrasing) by Colonel William Gregory Dawkins, an ancestor.
I seriously can’t believe there isn’t enough shit going on in the world. Are journalists so in need of a good story? I abhor slavery and as a 21st century man I believe all men and women should be equal regardless of race, colour or culture. However we cannot hope to improve the future if we were to never move on from the past. What Dawkins ancestors did was disgusting but it’s not his fault. Should we bulldoze the pyramids? They were made by slaves. Should we all have to apologise for what our ancestors did? If you look back far enough I guarantee you’ll find something nasty.
I think I’ve mentioned or at least hinted at the fact I’m an Atheist in past blogs but I assure you I’m not just coming to the aid of a fellow heathen. If it were discovered tomorrow that Dawkins was still using slaves then I assure you I would be every bit as disgusted as everyone else, regardless of their faith.
You can read his account of things here
Or if you’d rather an unbiased opinion from a newspaper (ha!) you can click here.
In China and Vietnam over 13,000 Asian Black Bears are kept captive to harvest bile. They are locked in extraction cages more commonly called “Crush Cages” due to the fact they’re barely larger than the bears themselves. The reason they are kept in such a small cage is because it’s easier to extract their bile.
But that’s nothing compared to how the bile is extracted from the bear. The most common method was to insert a hollow, steel rod into the bears abdomen in order to “milk it”. However even the cunts doing this realised how cruel it is and came up with a more “humane” solution…
The “Free Drip” consists of making a permanent hole in the bears abdomen and gall bladder so the bile can drip freely. Of course the wound is highly vulnerable to disease and infection and is held open by a perspex catheter. Imagine having a hole in your chest that never heals. I’m not sure which method is more fucked up. The original method was banned but is still reported to be in use.
The bears experience extreme physical and psychological pain. Bears suffer from loss of hair, stunted growth, malnutrition, muscle mass loss and often have their teeth and claws extracted. Bears have been reported to moan and chew their paws, as well as bang their heads against their cage bars. There is one report you can read of a mother bear who was so distressed by the sound of her cub crying out she managed to brake free of her cage. She killed her cub then purposely ran against a wall to kill herself. You can read the full story here.
As if that’s not bad enough this torment can last up to 10 to 12 years. When the bear stops producing bile they are killed. The Chinese government see farming as a reasonable answer to the loss of wild bears from poaching, and at the same time are indifferent to the cruelty. The bears used in farming are known as Moon Bears due to a white crescent on their abdomens. Their numbers are dwindling and there are thought to be less than 25,000 bears Asia-wide.
You’re probably wondering what is so important about this bile to put an intelligent creature through so much pain. MAYBE if it could cure cancer these atrocities could be justified but no. The bile is used in traditional Chinese medicines. The bile has never been demonstrated to have any healing effect in humans and to make it even worse there are several herbal substitutes, which provide a cheap, effective and readily available alternative. So these bears are tortured for no fucking reason whatsoever.
I understand you’re probably used to a more humorous blog and I understand some of the pictures may have put you off your lunch but to be honest I don’t care. This sort of shit shouldn’t be happening in the 21st century.
Please spread the word.
If you want to know more here are some useful links:
I once swore I would never have a Twitter account. I didn’t see the appeal in reading what a celebrity had for breakfast and I still don’t. However this blog has grown and the next logical step would be to expand my online empire. In these modern times people need updating and, whilst I’m not so into these modern internet trends, as Bob Dlyan said “You better start swimming or you’ll sink like a stone. For the times they are a-changing”. Can’t argue with that.
I’ve also designed a, dare I say it, iconic logo that certainly didn’t take five minutes and certainly hasn’t been used a thousand times. So follow me on Twatter, I mean Twitter here and spread the word via Mybook and Facespace or whatever it is you trendy people do.
I also have an official Facebook page you can like here. Like it to receive my tweets and updates whilst you’re on Facebook.
Mark my words dear reader, my ascent to power has begun…
Oh God another year of your life has slipped away and another daunting one begins. Another year of colleagues you hate, in laws you despise and a job that bores you to tears. As though that wasn’t bad enough, society dictates you must give up something you love in order to create a “new you”. Usually at that point you remember that resolution you made last year that was dead in the water by February. You wonder how many child cough drops it would take to top yourself, then you go to bed and awake the next morning to repeat another year that will be the same as the last. The only difference is the date year you write.The real kick in the nuts is that you’re expected to celebrate all this.
“Thank God someone said it!”
Am I getting ahead of myself? *Re reads last paragraph* Okay I may have just given Sylvia Plath a run for her money. Allow me to explain.
I admit there is probably some fun to be had at New years. As a tender teen my best New Years are probably still ahead of me and there are probably far better places to spend it than a rainy little village. My Dad is guaranteed to be in bed by 9:00pm and sometimes I think he has the right Idea. I have several reasons for disliking New Years. They are as follows:
First of all New Years marks the end of the holidays. It’s time to take down your decorations, get back to work, get back to school and stop being so bloody cheerful!
Second, I tend to dislike any event your meant to enjoy. The pressure to have a great time, I find, somewhat takes the pleasure out of the night.
Third, I don’t care how good your New Years Eve party is, it cannot ever hope to outshine the magic, fun and excitement that is Christmas Day. I like to wear a veil of intoxication on New Years Eve whereas Christmas Day is something I stay keenly sober for. Sure many of us have a drink but It’s like we drink to escape the feelings on New Years rather than to amplify them. I see it as people trying to forget the pressures from the year ahead. A sort of last hurrah before it all starts again.
You’d drink too if you had to lick your own bollocks.
Sure I have had good New Years but I always feel like everyone around me is enjoying it far more. Or at least pretending to. Are people really so happy over this arbitrary thing or are we just all lying and in doing so making everyone else feel as though they have to have a good time? Maybe everyone feels this way. Maybe this blog will reveal the truth and we shall no longer fool ourselves with this silly rhubarb! Or maybe I just need to shut the fuck up. I’d like to hear your opinions on this so feel free to comment.