Bollocks?: Hitting animals with your car.

I like animals. I’m not some PETA nut job who treats his dog like his only son but I like animals. They’re quieter, nicer and far easier to get along with than humans. I’m learning to drive and after a long break I decided to get some miles under my belt. Everything went fine. Drove into town. Yelled at an ass-hole driver who wasn’t paying attention (my confidence doubles when I’m protected by a tonne of metal) and made my way home. Its probably worth mentioning i live in the country, meaning there’s a lot of wildlife around especially at night when things are quieter. Its also worth mentioning it was dark by this point.

Anyhow as I came to the top of a hill a fox came running out and I hit it. I wasn’t been speeding, I wasn’t on the phone and hell I didn’t even have music on. There really wasn’t anything I could have done but i still felt terrible as I felt the poor thing go under the wheels. I pulled over and sat there shaking going “oh god, oh god oh god” for ages (I’m not religious). I know im coming off as drama queen but it was the first time I’d hit an animal and it was also the biggest animal I’d ever killed. The second being an eight legged twat back in 98′.

As I went back to check it was dead (it was), I told myself it couldnt have been helped and that it was an accident. Its not like id been hunting. I just felt like a big stupid human. Poor sod was probably out for an evening, well in its head morning stroll, and then here comes along a loud, blundering, ignorant human.

There wasn’t any blood and it looked like it had been pretty quick. Hopefully it didn’t know anything about it. After a nights sleep I feel a little better about the whole affair but why couldn’t it have been a spider? (See previous post), or better still a Brazilian Wandering Spider?, or better still Ann Coulter?

I suppose in the great scheme of things last nights events were one of the worlds lesser crimes but none the less I feel I must confess my guilt to the internet where i can be tried and sentenced by you fine cyber judges.

Drive safe.

Bollocks?: Tiny critters that can kill YOU.

Human beings are the most clever animals to ever walk the earth. We’ve mapped the world, built colossal monuments, discovered fire and hell, even put a man on the moon. We certainly have a lot to be proud of and it would be fair to say we are at the very top of the food chain. So why the holy fucking hell fire in the 21st century despite all our greatness are there still hoards of tiny critters capable of dropping us with one bite!

Take for instance the Brazilian Wandering Spider. Its not the largest spider, its big but no match for a Bird Eating Spider. Its also not very aggressive, in fact it spend its days hiding and only comes out at night. None the less this mother fucker would have you crying for your mother if you ever come face to face with it.

As i mentioned earlier the Brazilian Wandering Spider only comes out at night and spends the day hiding. Seems good right? That’s a whole 12 hours spent hiding when it could be on the prowl. Well no, no its not a good thing. Because unfortunately Brazilian Wandering Spiders can’t tell the difference between a decaying log and your car. Nor can they distinguish the difference between a hole in the ground from the back of your sofa.

Maybe your still thinking its not so bad. We all know very few spiders are fatal to humans generally (especially with large spiders) they look worse than they are. However this son of an eight legged web weaving bitch is one of the rare exceptions. If you get bitten by this eight legged twat here’s what you can expect…

First off its poison is twice as toxic as that of a Black Widow and contains neurotoxin and high levels of serotonin. Whilst the neurotoxins shut down your primary functions, the serotonin will go straight to the pain centre of your brain and will put you in a world of hurt. That’s pretty bad right? Well for all you gents out there its about to get even worse.

As you collapse in agony you may start to notice a tingle in your genitals. Followed by the most solid hard on you’ve ever had. You see the venom also causes you to stand erect. So well in fact that scientists have been experimenting with the Wandering Spiders poison to make a more effective form of Viagra. The venom is so effective at giving you a stiffy that it has been known for doctors to have to manually drain the blood…

So there you go. That’s how one of these little shits kills you. Your last moments on this earth will be spent hunched up in agony with an erection so hard you may as well have just seen Megan Fox doing handstands nude. Unfortunately for you you didnt see Megan Fox. You saw this twat.

Bollocks?: “Sellouts”

I hate the word sellout, or rather I hate the way people throw it around at anything or anyone they dislike. And no one else gets called a sellout more than bands and musicians. If someone changes their beliefs or lowers their standards in exchange for money or a similar personal gain then the term sellout would be appropriate. But now it seems after a band or musician gain a certain amount of success they automatically get branded a sellout.

Now as I said earlier if they start to care more about money as opposed to their music and fans then I would agree that the statement sellout would be a valid one. However just because a band starts playing bigger venues doesn’t mean they are different from the band you saw in a dingy basement.

What would be the point of a good band sticking to small clubs and a small time record label? Surely if you like the band then you would want more people to hear their music, and by playing bigger venues and signing to a bigger label more people will hear there music!

Take for instance Green Day. Once upon a time they were just a small local band with a small but strong following. Then they released Dookie and they became huge. The kids that once went round school frustrated that no one else had heard of them now feels angry because everyone now has. Surely its a win for these kid? They can now talk about their favourite band and have the pride of saying “I knew them before they were big”.

You’ve also got to keep in mind that musicians do have a life out side of their band. They have flats, houses, families and bills to support and pay. Being in a band that just scrapes by is great when your a twenty something but if you want to keep doing what you love and pay the bills you’ve got to see your music as a business. Its great to love what you do but at the end of the day its a job.

If someone came to you now offering to pay you well to do something you love would you really decline? I wouldn’t. If that makes me a sellout then so be it.

Bollocks?: Miley Cyrus covering Smells Like Teen Spirit.

I want to be clear now, I have nothing against Miley Cyrus. I’m not a fan of her music but I don’t mind it either, and hey she’s richer than most 18yr olds.

I do however have something against the fuck-wit that at some meeting where big men in suits and shades were deciding which song Miley should cover put forth the suggestion “Smells like teen spirit?”

I also have something against the moron that turned, looked said fuck-wit in the eyes and replied “yea!” Those guys are what tarnish the divinity of music. They are the corporation, the big cheese, the man, and apparently they’re idiots.

Smells Like Teen Spirit Is A Classic. Its right up there with the likes of Sweet Child O’ Mine, Stairway To Heaven and American Pie. The only artists that cover them are the ones who are just starting out and lack their own material or other classic bands who have their own classic songs and are covering out of respect.

It also doesn’t help that Mileys in a whole other genre to Nirvana.

Maybe im being a music fascist but I think you’ve got to earn the right to seriously cover a classic. If Mileys still going strong in 10 years then she can fill her boots. Until then leave it to the greats.